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funkymamu



Number of posts : 138
Age : 42
Localisation : Southampton
Registration date : 2007-03-17

PostSubject: I Need Advice   27/4/2007, 1:59 am

S is going through a particularly bad patch at the moment. We are experiencing major flare-ups on a daily basis and last night was especially bad. I took him over to my mums to do my washing (still don't have a washing machine and can't afford to fix or buy a new one), where after 30mins he complained he was bored and kept saying he was hungry, even though he had been fed! So, we left early and he went out to play. He came in at 7 where i told him he couldn't go back out and so it kicked off.

Out came the anger, explitives and the kicking. My partner, who decided about a month ago to stay out of these incidents as he gets wound up by them, came out to the hall to hand me my keys so i could lock the door, he was met met by S kicking and screaming how much he hated him and wanted him to leave, to which my partner walked into the living room slamming the door. After 30mins S calmed down enough to get him into bed and i came down to find my partner in tears saying he can't cope anymore, he wants to leave but has nowhere to go. His family aren't and never have been very supportive and since he lost his job he hasn't got many good friends to call on. I don't know what to do, i love him but when he said this it really tore me up as i get the feeling he doesn't love me in the same way anymore and he is only staying because he has nowhere else to go, which in the long run will do no-one any good Sad
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Bambi
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Registration date : 2007-03-11

PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   27/4/2007, 2:17 am

Awww hun hugging hugging

I am so sorry this has happened and i dont know what to say really (scared of saying the wrong thing!) I do know that our children can put a strain on relationships but a lot do work and survive it.

So was this the first time he has said to u, that he wants to leave? I dont think its fair on u tho if he is only there due to having nowhere else to go, surely he must know and have one person to turn to?

When the going gets tough hun the tough (or meant to be!) get going! Our kids can certainly test the strongest of relationships but what will be will be hug

I think u should have a really good chat with him and explain him hanging around is only hurting u even more and no good in the long run. U are not a hotel and cant keep him like u are, when he doesnt want to be there.

I dont know if i am giving u the right advice here hun (im no expert) but i guess its what i would do in ur situation.

Thinking of ya and i do hope u can sort this either way, u & urs need happiness hun not sadness hugging

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Northern lass born & bred!
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marshmallow

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Number of posts : 151
Registration date : 2007-03-14

PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   27/4/2007, 2:51 am

hug hugging hug hugging I'm so sorry, I don't know what to suggest either, but wanted to send you some hugs and let you know I'mthinking of you and hope things settle down soon.
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funkymamu



Number of posts : 138
Age : 42
Localisation : Southampton
Registration date : 2007-03-17

PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   27/4/2007, 3:04 am

Thanks for the advice.
It isn't the first time he's mentioned it in fact he has broached the subject a couple of times since the new year. The problem is he says this then after a couple of days he seems to pick up in mood and things go really well, he and S make up until S goes through yet another sticky patch and i guess coping day after day would put a strain on any parent, even more so when they are not the childs' biological one.
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GrandmaKyak

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PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   27/4/2007, 4:49 am

hugging hugging hugging hugging hugging hugging

Bless you. I agree with everything Bambi has said but you must sit & think what is best for you & your family. Has your partner done any reading etc about asd to better understand your child? He probably gets frustrated to see you getting hurt & abused but feels powerless to do anything about it & this is not 'manly'. Unless he gets his head round asd there will be continuous problems with the relationship.

We have a company here called Furniture Link that provide household goods for people in your situation & I wondered if there is something like that where you are to get a washing machine from?

Thinking of you. Stay strong for your family & remember your own needs in all this. xxxx
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mum2charlotte

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Localisation : Surrey
Registration date : 2007-03-27

PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   27/4/2007, 6:05 am

I think your partner is being a bit naughty himself. You have clearly got a full plate. The washing machine is bust, you can't get another so you have to take your laundry elsewhere, your son is going through a bad patch (know how that feels) you are obviously on a tight budget (otherwise you'd get a new one) and you are under the stress that comes with living with one of our children. So WHY does your partner decide now to throw his teddy out the pram?
You need his support. Not him flouncing off and slamming doors. When C goes into meltdown I would LOVE to walk away from her, she winds me up too. But I never have and I don't intend to start...
He's only with you because there's nowhere else to go. He SAID that to you? Out loud? What a cruel heartless thing to say Crying
He makes up with S? If S is anything like Charlotte the evil things she says to me are in the heat of the moment (she's going to dead me, she doesn't want me to be her mummy. she wants to go and live somewhere else etc etc etc) and we don't have to "make up" afterwards other than a BIG HUG.
I think he's using S as an excuse for other "issues". You need to sit and talk it through, however painful it might be.
I do hope that I haven't said anything to cause you pain or offence. It's hard to know the right thing to say especially as you can't hear me! If you have taken offence, then please forgive me. It was never intended. hug
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misty

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PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   27/4/2007, 6:49 am

Im not sure what else to add but just wanted to send some hugging
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kebab

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Age : 41
Localisation : Northants
Registration date : 2007-03-14

PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   27/4/2007, 6:50 am

It sounds like your partner has depression, after losing his job and friends disapearing would cause any one to feel low, when you feel like this it's hard to cope with everyday situations let alone the struggles you must go through, speak to him and ask him if this is how he feels.
Before he lost his job and lost his friends how was he with C, if you noticed a big change then I would say it is definatley depression.
I know I am looking at this in a comletley different way as the others that have given you advice, but hope this helps hugging
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funkymamu



Number of posts : 138
Age : 42
Localisation : Southampton
Registration date : 2007-03-17

PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   28/4/2007, 5:48 pm

Kebab you have a really good point. I know he's having it tough at the moment and it's really tough trying to pick him up and deal with S. I feel split down the middle, i want to support him but i don't know how. There have been times when i am so cross that he has the ability to walk away and i don't. I would never walk away from my baby he needs me more.
He was due to see a counsellor on Thurs but i ended up ringing up to cancel the appointmant because he freaked out. I am constantly defending him to my dad and sister because they don't know what he's really like nor how bad he's been treated.
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kebab

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PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   29/4/2007, 1:27 am

You need Grandma to come and sort him out, she'll have him going to councelling quicker that you can blink an an eye.
Has he been to the doctors to be put on anti depressants? This might lift his mood enough to be able to deal with stuff.
I know it's hard but if you love him stick with it and try to encourage him, if you don't love him then it's better if you end it now or things ar gonna get 10 times worse hug
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funkymamu



Number of posts : 138
Age : 42
Localisation : Southampton
Registration date : 2007-03-17

PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   30/4/2007, 1:44 am

He's been to the G.P and is on anti-depressants and has been for 2 years. They've changed the type and the dose but his mood varies. For example this weekend he has been reasonably 'normal' and he looked after S on saturday when i went to watch my daughter perform, fair enough i didn't leave till 6.45 and S was watching Doctor Who then went to bed, thankfully there were no problems as S was sound asleep when i got home.
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kebab

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Number of posts : 347
Age : 41
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Registration date : 2007-03-14

PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   30/4/2007, 4:15 am

when you say his mood varies what do you mean? low moods then 'normal' moods, or does he have days where he seems to be on top of the world and can do anything.
If he has been on anti drepressants for 2 years and they have not worked then this should have been noticed by your doctor a while a go, it can sometimes take upto 6 months for them to work any longer and the dose/type needs changing.
I was diagnosed with bi polar over 8yrs ago and they are still tring to find a mixture of meds that suits me, it's a long hard struggle.
My ex was in your shoes and I think (don't know) that was his main reason for leaving me, life with me became too much of a struggle and the last 6 months we were together I think we both knew it had to end.
sending lots of hug hug hug
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funkymamu



Number of posts : 138
Age : 42
Localisation : Southampton
Registration date : 2007-03-17

PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   30/4/2007, 4:42 am

He has periods of feeling ok, i think 'top of the world' is maybe going too far, then times when he feels that he is worth nothing, life is too routine, he gets up, uses the internet, eats luch/dinner then goes to bed. I've suggested going out but it's difficult when i have to get kids to/from school, go to college, go to mums to do washing etc and we don't have a lot of money whcih make things difficult and even if we could go out, getting reliable child care is practically non-existant. My mum works full-time and doesn't really know how to handle S, my sister is a selfish ***** and his sister offers but we usually get a phone call after a couple of hours saying S has kicked off.

GP has checked his meds but even getting him there is a nightmare, the worse thing is that he struggles to open up about what is bothering him.
The only experience i have is what i've gone through (anorexia/bulimia/post-natal depression) and i don't know whether i've helped or hindered. I feel that the times he's opened up to me have probably been the only times he's felt comfortable opening up to anyone.
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kebab

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PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   30/4/2007, 5:49 am

If he is using the internet you might suggest him joining a forum, you know since joining this one I have opened up more to you guys than any one else (except Grandma) even my family and it has helped me loads.
Try logging onto www.depressionalliance.com. You might need to do the leg work for him, but it has to be him that actually does anything about it.
Like the saying goes 'you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink' x
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Donna K

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PostSubject: Re: I Need Advice   25/6/2007, 6:48 am

Sad If he's finding it hard he needs to think how you feel about all this! It affects you both, not just him!

My ex reacted badly to A behaving like that and ended up losing his temper and hurt him, more than once, so I ended up leaving him as a big man like that should not hurt a small child, especially one that clearly has problems. For me, i fond all of this very hard because I couldn't (and still can't a lot of the time) cope with A's behaviour bad language and violence, I felt like I ws on eggshells all the time waiting for my ex to blow if A did anything wrong and tried to cover up where I could so he wouldn't get in trouble, so in turn I got even more stressed which wasn't good either Sad I know it can't have been nice for him to come home from work to a load of abuse from a small child and have all kinds thrown at you and the house trashed, but it wasn't nice for me either and without his support things went worse until I left.

He has nothing to do with my children any more, not that I am bothered as he was probably more of a danger to them anyway.... But I am with someone else now and he makes sure he does anything and everythig he can for all of my children and knew about A and his problems and although it gets him down being called all kinds and being hit and kicked as well as cuddled ( :? ) when he gets home from work, he never gets angry with him and takes so much before stopping A, because it seems to be something he needs to get out of his system, so to speak, I feel guilty at times, considering what he has done for us all, but he never lets it get to him and is trying to help me as much as he can to get A dx.

It's not nice of your fella to say he wants to leave but has no where to go.... where ould that leave you then? Would this be a permanent thing or temporary until he's got his head around all this? YOu need to know how he feels about you too, because this is your life too that he would be walking out on. given the oppertunity and you need to know the score, this can not carry on like it is, I know, I have lived through similar ( I cannot compare my exes reactions to those of your OH as I don't know if he's anything like that, so please don't be insulted as I didn't mean to imply he's violent too, that's just my story Smile )

It seems like a long heart to heart is in order for things to be discussed and sorted out, I hope things work out for you hugging hugging hugging
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